Told in a heavy foreign accent………..
Sam’s grandfather is visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. He goes up & down the aisles with his grandson, at the local Food Store.
“Vas diss? Powdered Orange Juice?”
“Yeh, Grandpa. You just add a little water, and you have fresh ‘orange juice’.”
……… a few minutes later, in a different aisle ……..
<“Und vas dis? Powdered milk?”
“Yeh, Grandpa. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!”
…….. a few minutes later, in a different aisle ……..
“Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!”
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A goy asked Reb Moshe: “Why do Jews always answer with a question?
Reb Moshe: Why not?
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The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Jewberish as the language of many American Jews. Look at other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale.
In Jewberish: Questions are always answered with questions: Question: “How do you feel?”
Jewberish Response: “How should I feel?” Question: “Why do you always answer a question with a question?”
Jewberish Response: “What do you want me to say?” The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used in the beginning: “She dances beautifully, that girl.” The emphatic negative of words is made by adding “sh” to the front of a word: Mountains become “shmountains”, turtle becomes “shmurtle”
(mountains-shmountains, turtle-shmurtle). These common phrases were translated from “Standard English” to Jewberish: English: “He walks slowly”
Jewberish: “Like a fly in Vaseline he walks”. English: “Sorry I dont know the time”
Jewberish: ” What, do I look like a clock?” English: “I hope things turn out okay”
Jewberish: “You should BE so lucky”. English: ” I see you’re wearing the tie I gave you.”
Jewberish: “Whats the matter? The other tie you didn’t like?” English: “Anything can happen”.
Jewberish: “Things are never so bad that they can’t get worse”. English: “May I take your plate, sir?”
Jewberish: “You hardly touched your food. What’s the matter, something wrong with it? English: “Its been so long since you’ve called.”
Jewberish: “You didn’t wonder if I’m dead yet?”
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him.
The barber says, “Father, you’re a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn’t charge you, it’s on the house.”
The priest says, “Thank you very much” and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, “No money, please, you’re a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It’s on the house.”
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, “No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can’t take any money from you, go in peace.”
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
English: “Lets go skiing.”
Jewberish: ” Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?”
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A dialogue while Moshe is at the top of Mt. Sinai….
G-d: “And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.”
Moshe: “Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.” G-d: “No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk.” Moshe: “Oh, L-rd forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk products so the two are not in our stomachs.” G-d: “No, Moshe, what I’m saying is, don’t cook a calf in its mother’s milk!!!” Moshe: “Oh, L-rd! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside….”
G-d: “Good lord, Moshe, do whatever the hell you want!!!……
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Private Cohen made life miserable for every commanding officer he ever had during the days of World War II. A superlatively ingenious goof-off, he could never be called to account. Yet by his example he would corrupt entire companies. His commanders could merely pull strings to have him transferred.
From place to place he was shunted, until he finally ended up in New Guinea. Then, suddenly, from that primitive island, came a series of headlines:
PRIVATE COHEN CAPTURES ENEMY DIVISION SINGLE-HANDEDLY: PRIVATE COHEN SURROUNDS AND DESTROYS TWENTY ENEMY TANKS: PRIVATE COHEN SHOOTS DOWN HIS FIFTY-NINTH AND SIXTIETH ENEMY PLANES.
A dozen American officers, utterly astounded, separately sent wires of inquiry to Cohen’s commanding officer in New Guinea. Each received a mimeographed reply which went: “Gentlemen: This is Colonel Ginsberg writing to you. As it happens, I understand Private Cohen. I know what makes him tick. On his first day here, I took him out on the base, placed my arm around his shoulders, and said, ‘Cohen, my boy, see those tanks? They’re yours! See those planes? They’re yours! See those supplies, weapons, men? They’re all yours! Cohen, my boy, from now on, you’re in businesss for yourself.'”
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On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said, “You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, “Have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.” On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, “Here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.” On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
” Taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes,
but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.” On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
” YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.” On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
” Don’t you like the doughnuts?
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.” On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
” Take another brownie,
Don’t you like the doughnuts?
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
” Try my home-made strudel,
take another brownie,
Don’t you like the doughnuts?
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here’s your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”
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Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel. Rumors persist that the inventors of the bagel were Norwegians who couldn’t otherwise get anyone to buy smoked salmon. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could support the spread of cream cheese and wouldn’t take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? Many philosophers (mostly French and German) believe the hole is the essence of the bagel and the dough is only there for emphasis.
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Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box.
“How old are you?” asked the attorney.
“I am, kin ahora, 82.”
“What did you say?”
“I said I am, kin ahora, 82 years old.”
“Please just give a simple answer to my question,” said the attorney. “How old are you?”
“Kin ahora, 82,” replied Abe.
The judge intervened: “If you don’t want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question and only the question.”
The defense counsel then got up and said to the judge, “Your Honor, may I ask the witness?” and turned toward Abe.
“Kin ahora, how old are you?”
Abe replied, “82.”
****************************************************************************From Harry Leichter’s Jewish Humor at www.haruth.com/humor/